even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
