i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
