i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
