just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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