Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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