I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
