and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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