i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You had me at "let me see your balls"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
