I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
