iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
