apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dicks are not precious.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
