watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
