you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
