Me. At least after what I've been through.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
