fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
