So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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