thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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