i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
