I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
