Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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