She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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