So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
