I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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