Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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