I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
