Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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