not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
