I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
