Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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