I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
