He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need water and some morals
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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