What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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