I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
