it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
