It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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