Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
