My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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