If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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