Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
