Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
