Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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