someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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