My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
