At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
