i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
