I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
