between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
