walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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