I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
3 2 1 whiskey
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
