You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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