life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
