her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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