i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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