Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
